Long ago, I attended a funeral.
I have to think for a moment about what to say about it.
...
It was... not without problems. Despite everyone's love and respect and admiration for the person who passed, hurtful things were said.
...
I decided long about then that, in the event of someone's passing, people sometimes just do not know what to do or say to comfort you. Period. They may mean well, they may offer to help, but in the moment, when face to face with someone who is reeling from this loss, people often do not know how to conduct themselves, despite their best intentions.
I marveled then at the extra burden placed on the grieving person. Not only is this person in the throes of the loss, but they are expected to somehow nod and smile and see beyond the oafish, mis-spoken, awkward, poorly-expressed offers of condolences from those around them. It's... expecting too much. It shouldn't be this way. It's unfair to them.
***
And on that particular occasion, some of what was said and done was actually quite malicious.
The grieving person should not be expected to look beyond that, surely.
***
Last week, this particular funeral was on my mind a couple times.
I discovered that despite this observation I'd made all those years prior, and despite my determination to never stray far from the reality that people pass (in order to prepare myself, somehow--as if that's ever really possible), I discovered that I can be one of those oafs. When the moment came, when a grieving person needed an ear, a hug, a clear expression of empathy and sympathy, I blew it. My sincere-yet-meager gestures were not sufficient. Not for that passing, not for that grieving friend.
And... I'm sorry.
One lesson I need to take forward is to not think myself so high and mighty and above some behaviors, that's for sure.
I do get tired of learning things the hard way, I must say.
***
Furthermore, I had the uncomfortable duty of telling a high school classmate about the passing of the person from that funeral I first mentioned. She was a mutual friend of ours, and my classmate had no idea she'd passed. It was a very sad exchange.
***
There's more on my mind, as is often the case, but I don't want to venture into that tonight.
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2 comments:
But I think saying you are sorry is enough. I think when people are going through a terrible time, just being there and willing to listen is enough.
Amanda is so right. I happen to be one of those people who is in love with words. But words don't cut it when people ache. What can be said? Not much. That's when it is time to just stop talking. That's when quiet and patience and touch can step in and do their jobs.
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