The Thing In My Ear

Tests are so damn tense. Largely, I test okay. I mean, my anxiety in a testing situation isn't sufficient to render me incapable of performing adequately. Sometimes I go too fast and skip words, and that can certainly screw things up. But really, I can live with it.

Tests do make me worry a bit about whether I look honest. That is, I do whatever I can to avoid looking suspicious. Any school I'm paying for is not likely to react well if they think my eyes are wandering or I'm otherwise cheating. I take off my ballcap if I'm wearing one, and really, I spend an unnatural amount of time staring at my paper. I don't allow myself any glances or moves that could in any way be misconstrued. If you're like this, you understand what a tricky little dance this can be while, say, answering an essay question about research methods.

*

So in May of 1994 I was about to graduate from the University of Texas with my undergraduate degree in radio-tv-film. I'd been married for a year, and was on the verge of doing something I'd spent years assuming I couldn't do: graduate from college.

I was taking a final in one of my RTF classes. I can't recall which one, but it had some big numbers in the description. That is, it was one of my last required classes.

And for some reason I sat on the front row there in that small auditorium. It's not something I like to do now, and I can't recall doing it back then much. But I did, for whatever reason.

As I sat there, working on this bear of a test, I got an itch in my ear. A deep itch. I tugged on my earlobe a bit, pushed that fleshy part under my earlobe. It didn't help. In fact, it... it... became noisy. I mean, only I could hear the noise, okay.

But I was hearing something in my ear.

Some.

Thing.

And as I sat there on the front row, taking my final, trying to look inconspicuous while, in fact, answering the questions correctly, I realized that this thing was moving. Yes, I was sure of it. Something was descending my ear canal. I moved my jaw, moved my ears a bit, and it kept moving down down down.

Whatever it was finally hung there in the opening, and it felt so huge that I thought the entire classroom woudl see it and break into chaos before I even knew what it was.

So I gave a quick... tic. Yes, there in the middle of my final I purposefully moved my head in a manner that would have prompted some shrinks to diagnose me with Tourette's. I chose not to accompany it with random profanity, just to be safe.

And the thing FELL out of my ear and landed on my shoulder.

I reached up like my shoulder itched, seized this object in the gaps between my fingers, and brought my hand down, continuing to work on the test. Curious as I was to see this thing, I wasn't about to peer into my palm at this particular moment.

So I finished the test many minutes later. I handed it in, still clutching the mystery thing.

I grabbed my backpack, walked out the exit, and as the metal door clanged behind me I fell down the stairs.

Damn.

It was a short flight, but yeah, I ate it pretty hard. I was okay, largely.

And still clutching the thing.

I finally found a place to stop and have a look at this.

It was...

...

...

ear wax.

A big ball of ear wax had just randomly fallen out of my ear in the middle of the exam.

It was fascinating to behold, and in fact, it was rolled up, with lots of little layers. I slowly unrolled it, and I must say it reminded me a bit of the Dead Sea Scrolls. Only not quite as religiously significant.

***

Man, was that gross or what?

***

"You don't fall in love with people that make you want to crap your pants." That's a quote from Paris on Gilmore Girls.

Hey, I just overheard it, okay? It's not like I WATCH it. Much.