The Caveman

This is about sex.

If you aren't comfortable reading about this, please come back another day. I don't do this much.

***

When I was 15-16 I had a girlfriend, and we had one of those hot and cold relationships. It drove me batty. One day we were passionately in love, the next we were at each other's throats over some slight, real or imagined. We were among the worst sort of neckers, and we got run off by offended grownups here and there. We'd end up losing track of time, and I'd always come trotting home late to supper, with a very pissed off Dad waiting for me.

Her parents didn't like me, and though I took a serious attitude about it, they were fully justified. We were alone in her house once, in her room, and one or both of us decided she needed a back rub.

So she lay belly-down on her bed, and I sat on her butt while rubbing her back. We weren't exactly doing anything wrong, but it was great fun on my side, and it looked mighty bad to her father as he drove past her bedroom window and saw exactly what I was doing.

That was the first time I was banned from her house.

***

It takes two to tango though, and we were in that frenzied teen pattern of escalating sexual behavior. We kissed and rubbed and groped and generally started pushing the boundaries.

We were in her house alone again one evening, and right there in the hallway things started to heat up. We had time, we had the opportunity, and we were going to town. So to speak.

I'm not going into the play by play here, but she ended up with her blouse unbuttoned. I reached around back, undid her bra and...

Everything changed.

***

Everything changed for her, for me.

She just... melted. Her unhooked bra remained where it was, and she leaned into me and I leaned into her, and we just embraced each other. Something unspoken occurred there, and we both felt it. I wasn't the overbearing, horny teenage boy at that moment. I was a child playing with sex, and so was she. We didn't say a word. I know she cried a little bit, and for reasons I may not be able to capture here, I was sad too. Maybe sad for innocence, maybe sad for releasing something that you can't put back. Sad for doing this to her, and to me.

***

We stayed together for some months after that, but we didn't push the boundaries so much. I had moments where I thought I was ready to, but you know, a prom dress and the back of a Camaro aren't exactly conducive to bad intentions. I tried to be huffy about it, but really I was okay with it.

***

What 16-year-old, even in the best of circumstances, grasps sex? Grasps the emotional implications, let alone the potential results? What teen can make that decision? Hell, what adult can?

We make mistakes. I'm not that 16-year-old anymore. Those thoughts and drives and intentions and mistakes are tethered to the teen, not to the man. I am not that. Emotions never forget, and they can certainly linger, for better or for worse. There was nothing traumatic about two teens getting a little carried away, yet I can feel it and see it like it was yesterday.

Not everyone escapes their teens years without trauma in this realm, and I can only imagine what that feels like. I ask again: What 16-year-old, even in the best of circumstances, grasps sex? What you are is not defined by the actions of the child you were.

I knew the difference between right and wrong, and as we all, ALL know, even for many adults those concepts go right out the window where sex is concerned.

***

I had my share of sleepless nights as a single young man, sure. I made some mistakes, and was sometimes elated to get negative news if you know what I mean.

I don't think I was capable of making adult decisions until I was 25. That's not a joke.

***

I had a one-night stand when I was a single young man. I had no girlfriend, and no reason not to have a good time when that young woman threw herself at me.

This was me sowing my wild oats, right? Going through the young man's rite of passage, enjoying that freedom.

The next day I was an absolute wreck. She had instigated everything, yet I felt like I'd used this young woman for one reason. Truth be told, she used me for more than I used her.

It wasn't for me.

***

And it shaped my behavior moving forward. Looking back, I'm stunned at the opportunities I passed up. Not all of them, mind you, but even as a single man I mostly kept the women who only wanted one thing at arm's length (at least). Even as an ugly old married man the opportunity has occasionally presented itself. MOBB and I have a startled but good laugh over those instances.

***

I'm pushing 40, and I don't know if I get it yet. It's a gift, it's an expression of love, it's an expression of lust, it's one-sided, it's mutual, it's something shared, it's a violation (even if a welcome one), it's laughter, it's serious, it's husband and wife, it's role playing, it's this thing one's in the mood for while the other is preoccupied with something else or not feeling well.

Call my name
Let's pretend we're other people

Let's get naked
Let's play dress-up

Let's take our time
Let's make this quick, whether out of necessity or desperation

Early's good
How about later?

I can live without it
I can't live without it

You are a woman, the walking embodiment of beauty and desire
I am a man, the caveman, and I'm lust on two feet

Be my friend and my confidante
Be my tart, my slave

I'll be your friend, your confidante
And I'll be the master... unless you want to switch

***

If you wish to share anything, I'd be happy to have your perspective, whether by comment or email. Thank you.