Men

The headache returned. And that's not all.

Step into my cave.

***

There are times when being male is great, absolutely great. We're an underestimated bunch. Women are the ones with the reputation for being nurturing, for seeing beyond appearances and appreciating someone's inner beauty. Seriously, though, most of the guys I know are the same way. I am.

It starts with some level of physical attraction, sure, but my buddies all sought much more than that in their partners. Humor, intellect, warmth... I'm going to say that this is more common than we're given credit for.

So if one's very existence is underrated from the get-go, it's easy to impress. We're in real trouble if women ever find out that straight guys are actually a pinch more complicated than we've all been led to believe.

***

There are times when being male sucks. There are some very basic things about our behavior that are just flat-out pathetic. The way we're wired in some regards is a damnable thing, and I wish that weren't the case.

We have compulsions and motivations that can sometimes be burdensome. Pick a bad metaphor:

We're the perfectly normal humans who, unfortunately, turn into werewolves when the moon is full.

We're Bruce Banner, turning into the Hulk when we're pissed off.

We're the cavemen, and if another man crosses us we look around for a blunt object. Stick smash nose. Blood pretty.

And so on.

***

I have known some guys who have done the most tremendous, startlingly sweet and tender and selfless things. And it's a cliche, but I really do know guys who give and give and get almost nothing in return.

I have also known some guys who are capable of stooping to the lowest levels, of really doing hurtful things, things that change others profoundly. These guys are not among my friends.

***

There is a core of truth to much of the stereotype that applies to us. I cannot honestly say I speak for all guys here, because I can name some whom I believe to be exceptions.

But broadly speaking, yes, we:

Size each other up without provocation. The thoughts might go like this: She is out of your league, dude, and I hope she sees that, although you were a high school football hero, you're well on your way now to having a fine set of man boobs.

Sometimes want to break things when we're angry. Oh, did you want to use the TV remote again someday?


Were looking at your [backside/cleavage/legs], ma'am. We're visually stimulated where attraction is concerned. Some days the whole world feels like an advertisement for sex. (Can someone please give me an "amen," my brothers?)

***

We know how it works, yet we keep at it. We know about how attractive the alpha male is to many women at a young age. He's the peacock with the brightest feathers, after all, and he gets attention. Nevermind that when he tries to say something intelligent it usually comes out something like, "The Cowboys are rising like Phoenix over Arizona."

We regular guys get to clean up the messes the alphas create. They leave you with baggage, kids, maybe unpaid child support or worse. We're the ones who tell you and show you that you do deserve better, that you matter. We would never have done those awful things to you (or to anyone else).

We also look up your old boyfriends, which we may or may not tell you about. We just... want to know where they are. We won't do anything about it. Probably.

***

We also use--and know the meaning of--words like largesse, gravitas, and hedonism.

***

I've been riding the square waves lately, listening to Helmet. Lo and behold, they play here in a couple weeks. I may actually go.

***

Ever had your nose broken? I came close once, taking an accidental headbutt to the nose when I was about 10. It bled, my eyes watered to the point of blinding me, and it hurt like hell.

I very seriously considered breaking a guy's nose in a club once.

I had a boss whose nose I wanted to break. That guy was a piece of work.

***

It's just the caveman, folks. Don't be alarmed. Just walk on by the exhibit.

***

I've known too many guys who were involved with women who made it clear: I am not into sex. Deal with it.

And to a man each one of them stayed true and did not stray.

Don't misunderstand my point. It's not that I think there comes a point at which a lack of sex justifies stepping out. I just mean to point out, again, that although men are underestimated, in my experience they are startlingly loyal and honest.

***

And most guys I know get out of altercations or danger using their brains, preferring to take a bruised ego over a bruised face.

Compare the stereotype to reality, folks. Really.

***

I didn't mean to make this a "defending men" post. I meant to go dark and painful. But when it comes down to it, I'm not usually dealing with some simple hunger that can only sated with an emotional response.

Now excuse me, but the wildebeast I'm cooking needs to be basted and turned.

More lovely platitudes and gushy hoo-ha soon, so don't worry.