Operators Are Standing By

Does this sound familiar? You put on your Ropers and your Wranglers, head on over to the honkytonk and start doing shots.

You think you did about eleventy-eight of them, and in fact, you could swear you danced your butt off with some fine young filly. Not only that, but you think she came back to your doublewide for private boot scoot boogie lessons.

Except she’s not there in the morning, and the only evidence you have is this hatful of foggy memories and the word “queer” written across your bare chest in blood-red lipstick.

(In fact, you hope you were on your back when this mystery woman did the writing, seeing as how when you lay on your side you’ve got man-boobies…)

You, partner, may have R.E.D. (Redneck Erectile Disfunction).

It’s nothing to be ashamed of, and it happens more frequently than you think. Hey, a life of flippin’ channels during 96% of your spare time doesn’t do much for your stamina. And stuffing your pasty-white ass into those britches and drowning your sorrows with grain alcohol doesn’t exactly help matters south of the border, so to speak.

Well have no fear, cuz the south’s gonna do it again, brother!

What you need to do is order our new CD, Bluegrass for Blue Balls. What we did was record a host of bluegrass standards, as performed by Texas prison inmates hopped up on state-issue diet pills and homemade Tang wine. This CD features 54 classics, recorded at an average tempo of 340 beats per minute. You put on a CD like this once you get her back to the Ponderosa and you’ll be bumpin’ along so fast neither one of you will have any idea whether the pony ever hit the stable!

And at an average length of 58 seconds, these songs are perfectly timed for the average cowboy’s ride time. Get back in the saddle—order now! Call 1-800-TWANG-ME.

***

And that, my friends, is the kind of crap one comes up with while jogging before the sun comes up.

***

It went well at least. I did 5.25 miles in 54:40. The one-mile track at the college is nice. Not too many folks out there so early, and it changes elevation just enough to get your attention but not to make you hang it up.

***

Got home, hit the shower and went to wake up THEBOY. He was lethargic, looked bad. He said he felt a little seasick (his word for nauseous), the poor kid. He asked for juice, and I brought him a barf bowl with it. Kelli and I started rearranging our schedules, and she got him some dry toast.

Five minutes after I called my boss, THEBOY bopped out of his room and announced that the toast had made him feel better, said he was ready for school.

It’s pushing 3pm and no one’s called, so I guess he did just fine.

***

Another BACS staffer has departed, a real cornerstone of the business. His absence is gonna hurt.

***

Have a good afternoon, partner.