Survey Survey Survey

1. You can press a button that will make any one person explode. Who would you blow up?

Tom Green

2. You can flip a switch that will wipe any band or musical artist out of existence. Which one will it be?

Maaaaan… does this gizmo come with overdrive? If not, you can’t go wrong with wiping out the Grateful Dead.

3. Who would you really like to just punch in the face?

The guy who stole my wife’s purse in Naples.

4. What is the best kind of cheese?

We had something in Spain called cabra roccinante that I liked a lot. But really, it’s hard to beat a sharp cheddar or provolone.

5. You can only have one kind of sandwich. Which one would it be?

Whoa… harder than I expected. I’ll chuck the guilt and go with an oyster po boy.

6. You have the opportunity to sleep with the movie-celebrity of your choice. We are talking no-strings-attached sex and it can only happen once I can't choose one.

Dr Ruth… oh, movie celebrity. Better read closer. Uh… the chimp that upstaged Matt LeBlanc in that movie about the baseball-playing chimp.

7. You have the opportunity to sleep with the music-celebrity of your choice. Same rules as above. Who is it?

Whoa whoa whoa… musicians are out on the road, gettin’ funky with GOD knows whom… I don’t wanna catch the gift that keeps on givin’. They don’t have anything so doggone special between their knees that I’d like to be reminded of it by screaming every time I urinate. I'll pass.

8. Now that you've slept with two different people in a row, you seem to be having an excellent day because you just came across a hundred-dollar bill on the sidewalk. Holy shit, a hundred bucks! How are you gonna spend it?

Sparring gear

9. You just got a free plane ticket to anywhere. You have to depart right now. Where are you gonna go?

Bitchin’. I’m off to Naples to find my wife’s purse snatcher.

10. Upon arrival to the aforementioned location, you get off the plane and discover another hundred-dollar bill. Now that you are in the new location, where are you gonna go to spend that?

I’m gonna use it to make friends with a 6'8" guy named Antonio who weighs 300 pounds, has no sensation in his knuckles and doesn’t mind helping me track down the purse snatcher.

11. An angel appears out of Heaven and offers you a lifetime supply of the alcoholic beverage of your choice.

Say WHAT? This particular being needs to take a good long look at his/her delivery papers before ringing my doorbell.

12. Rufus appears out of nowhere with a time-traveling phone booth. You can go anytime in the PAST

Wait… does this have something to do with Chaka Khan? Okay okay… Well, without getting too specific, let me just say that I’d put myself in a place where the conversation would open like this: “You guys are going to just go driving around in Danbury in the Camaro tonight? Eh, I think I’ll stay home for a change…”

13. You discover a beautiful island upon which you may build your own society. You make the rules. What is the first rule you put into place?

Tom Green is illegal.

14. You have been given the opportunity to create the half-hour TV show of your own design. What is it called and what's the premise?

It’s 30 minutes of a black background with white letters that read, “Turn this damn thing off and go better yourself.” The show is called the same thing, oddly.

15. What is your favorite expletive?

I have a certain fondness for “ass junkup.”

16. One night you wake up because you heard a noise. You turn on the light to find that you are surrounded by MUMMIES. The mummies aren't really doing anything, they're just standing around your bed. What do you do?

Say, "Holy shit it's a bunch of mummies!"

17. Your house is on fire! You have just enough time to run in there and grab ONE inanimate object. Don't worry, your loved ones and pets have already made it out safely. So what's the one thing you're going to save from that blazing inferno?

My autographed BB King 8”x10”

18. The Angel Of Death has descended upon you. Fortunately, the Angel Of Death is pretty cool and in a good mood, and it offers you a half-hour to do whatever you want before it bites you. Whatcha gonna do in that half-hour?

Listen to Porcupine Tree’s “Lazarus” about six times.

19. You accidentally eat some radioactive vegetables. They were good, and what's even cooler is that they endow you with the superpower of your choice! What's it gonna be?

Built-in freak repellant.

20. You can relive any point of time in your life. The time-span can only be a half-hour, though. What half-hour of your past would you like to experience again?

That episode of Gilligan’s Island where they think there’s a ghost on the island.

21. You can erase any horrible experience from your past. What will it be?

Could I eradicate every dirty diaper I’ve changed?

22. You got kicked out of the country for being a time-traveling heathen who sleeps with celebrities and has superpowers. But check this out ... you can move to anywhere else in the world! Where would you go?

Maybe Sevilla (Seville) in Spain.

23. Check it out. You have been eternally banned from every single bar in the world except for ONE. Which one is it gonna be?

Whichever one it is, I’m gonna walk straight in and kick the barkeep in the nuts.

24. Hopefully you didn't mention this in the superpowers question.... If you did, then we'll just expand on that. Check it out... Suddenly, you have gained the ability to FLOAT!!!

As in… on air? In water (I already have that one)? This is a fairly unremarkable power… Okay, I’d eat a bunch of Taco Bell and get really fat so I’d look like one of those huge balloons in the Macy’s parade. Then I’d float over the Buddhist monastery in Ft. Worth and freak them out, let them think the Buddha himself has returned.

25. The constant absorption of magical moonbeams mixed with the radioactive vegetables you consumed earlier have given you the ability to resurrect the dead famous-person of your choice. So which late celebrity will you bring back to life?

Larry Brown (the writer)