All

those years I spent hunched over my little Macs, plugging away on Juke so faithfully... nodding off sometimes, or aching inside from some character I'd killed off...

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those years I blogged about... what? Why in the world did anyone read all that?

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those years when I technically had a mother, and she never asked. Never asked how the kids were, how I was, anything. I had a moment this weekend when I wanted to send her photos of her grandchildren, to let her see them. It passed.

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those love songs with those lyrics that mean so much to me. Like this one from Imperial Drag's "Illuminate"

"But no matter what I believe in love. So there--I said it."

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those years when I wish I'd seen things more clearly. Why did I wait so long?

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of almost 88 years my grandmother has lived. I spoke to her on the phone today, and she has outlived her body and her mind. She really is all but gone.

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of the years I lost when not speaking to my aunt, just gone. It's good to reconnect now, but I wish it hadn't been the way it was.

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the vivid dreams I had, like the one in which I begged my grandmother not to marry my grandfather.

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this time spent on school and licensure and chasing hours and whatnot sometimes causes me to briefly lose sight of what I wanted when I started: Private practice. The wheels are spinning again.

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the things I wish I could say to you.