Sober

If you spend years dealing with every single problem, crisis, challenge of whatever degree of difficulty with alcohol and other illicit substances, let me tell you, dealing with them sober is tough.

Being sober is hard, period. Triggers are everywhere. It's powerful stuff really. Know that song that takes you right back to your prom? I have a song that takes me right back to that weekend I spent loaded on vodka and beer, huffing amyl nitrate. Long long ago, but vivid nevertheless. That's one song, one incident. There are other songs, other triggers. Plenty.

If the sunlight catches me right I can see the six-inch scar and the surprisingly tidy "B" I carved into my arm one drunken night.

The waiter at Texas Land and Cattle last Tuesday was oozing alcohol through his pores. I don't think my lunch partner smelled it. I sure as shit did.

Had a kidney stone a month ago, and I made it clear to the doc that I did not want any narcotics. She said, "Sure. We can go either way. You can have anything you want, narcotic or not." It's my responsibility, but man, it's hard to police oneself sometimes.

Nobody knows the whole story. Not sure if they ever will.

I'm not normally so down. Really.