A Larry Brown excerpt & a job update

A passage from Big Bad Love by Larry Brown. Here the character Leon Barlow, who has recently emerged from a long bender, writes about his daughter:


Alisha died right after that. They said it was crib death, SIDS, but I don't think that's what it was. I thought it was punishment to me for giving up my wife and my family and all the wrath of God howling after me all the days of my life to the ends of the earth. I wanted to go out into the forest and live like a madman with leaves for clothes and live in a hole in the ground and throw rocks at anybody who came near.

My whole family was there. I was stunned with all the marijuana and liquor I could stuff into myself and still remain standing. I signed papers, made promises, heard prayers and screaming and gnashing of teeth. Cried till my eyes were sore. I took on a pain that would never leave me, never let me rest until years had passed, and then it would always remain like lead that had settled in the bottom of my heart, a little sad face smiling up, reminding me always, even when I lay on my deathbed, Alisha, born wrong, Alisha, child of God, Alisha a soul wafting out across space with her tiny hands clapping.

***

Turns out that the last time I cried was this morning as I read this, again, on the train. Larry Brown was the writer I wish I could be. I will spend the rest of my life churning out words in some capacity or another, simply for the sake of creating something, and I doubt I will ever come close to this sort of power.

***

But I'll keep trying. I heartily recommend that anyone who hasn't read Larry Brown do so. Have I made that clear enough?

***

The scenario at work can currently be summarized best by this excerpt from an email I sent to my sister today:

Thank you [for the moral support]. They're really researching this thing top to bottom, and it's coming out just how many screwups occurred during this. My screwup got the ball rolling, but it was an honest error, not something I blew off or overlooked. I completely misunderstood something I saw every time I looked at it. The experienced people in this scenario (ie everyone else) were content to merely let it fall to pieces. Heck, station people were watching it at home [with logs in hand no less] and KNEW it wasn't right and didn't bother to pick up the phone and give the order to straighten things out.

And what's perplexing corporate at the moment is how some $0 commercials DID get broadcast but spots worth 10s of thousands of dollars did not. Again, a colossal screwup in-house.

I'm beginning to believe I won't get canned, because it's becoming clear to everyone that I'm the only person involved who tried to do the right thing. Everyone else slacked off.

Still, I want out. I'm taking this as my cue to start looking for another job in earnest. I've started putting feelers out here and there.

Again, thanks for the support. I'm done being nervous over it. I just plumb ran out of nerves, you know? And my friends and family all helped a lot by voicing their support.

***

Good night, good night. Really.