Can You Still Feel?

Allow me to ramble, if I may. One or two of you might read this.

***

Kelli was very pregnant with THEGIRL in December of '03. Miserable, not sleeping well, and counting down the days way earlier than she should have been. Me too. It was no fun to see her so uncomfortable.

We hired a babysitter for THEBOY so we could have a date, something we both likely knew would be sort of a last hurrah for a while. It was a typical dinner/movie setup, but we had time to kill before going to the theater, so we headed to the CD Warehouse.

Launch had been playing "Goodnight Sweet Night" by Jason Falkner, and I was immediately hooked. Keep in mind that I didn't realize at the time that he'd been in Jellyfish. I'd heard the name back when he was in the band, but didn't make the association when I saw it on Launch. I just knew that this was one great song.

The store had a couple copies of Can You Still Feel?. On the way to the theater I put it in the CD player and immediately punched up that song, the last one on the CD. Gorgeous, just gorgeous. I don't know if Kelli was as taken with it as I was.

***

In the coming days I had to sleep in another room. I spent weeks sleeping on the couch, then on an air mattress in the room that would become the nursery. Kelli wasn't sleeping well, wasn't comfortable in bed at all. And while I felt sorry for her, there was really no reason for me to lose sleep while she tried in vain to rest.

I was also in the middle of one of my periodic extreme night owl phases. Up 'til 3am whenever possible, just happily surfing the web, doing dishes, reading, whatever.

And there was a certain suspension of time right then, a pause maybe. We were anxious about the birth, sort of ready to get it done yet fully aware of what was to come and trying to prepare ourselves for that.

***

And Jason Falkner's Can You Still Feel? became the soundtrack of that time. I immediately knew this was a gift to myself, one of those very rare CDs I'll still love in five or 10 years or more. Forever probably. From pure ear candy like "Holiday" to proclamations like "Revelation," so wise the lyrics could almost be modified passages from the Bhagavad Gita or something. So many hooks, so many inspiring lyrics, and so... much... incredible... talent.

A few that stuck with me:

"I've seen eloquence in its purest sense grab hold of me and then shake itself free. And I'm stunned, and who invited this fickle friend? Why won't it stay? Where does it go anyway?" ("Eloquence")

"If the path of least resistance is all you ever take, well at least you've been consistent in your defying Fate." ("Author Unknown")

"Inspiration's not a choice: It's got to search you out. And give you truth you have to voice, beyond the shadow of a doubt." ("I Already Know")

"Life can be just like a painting: Full of wonderful strangeness, with colors so vibrant you feel like you should look away." ("See You Again")

***

And it could be two or three a.m., and I'd be on my back on the air mattress, staring at the space where the baby would soon sleep, with no sound except Falkner blaring over the headphones, telling me everything was going to be okay, that we should cherish beauty and love and flirting and creativity and potential. Things I know, things I knew. But you know, just saying something--occasionally--so heady in the context of such terrific songs... it was an aural security blanket for me. Time just about froze, and I could just wrap myself in this sound.

***

And you know, long about Valentine's Day of '04, two weeks before THEGIRL was born, I took stock of who I am and where I was in life. I was 35 and working in traffic for commercial television. This is a job where, at best, you end up managing other traffic folks. That means that for being a low-level manager and earning a not-quite-respectable salary, you end up working bad hours with nowhere to move up, all in the interest of getting commercials on the air.

Not acceptable.

I'm smarter than that, more ambitious than that, and determined to have a more meaningful legacy than that. I'd already tried for that special brand of intellectual reward that comes by way of getting a book published. Turns out that the machinery of the publishing industry is more than I want to deal with.

So it's off to grad school I go this fall (hopefully--the application goes into the mail tonight). I will work hard for an education in psychology, with the goal of helping addicts once I'm done. I want the challenge. This is my only life, as far as I know, and I cannot sit back on this pasty white tush of mine and do nothing more important with my career than rearrange furniture store commercials.

***

Falkner's music was a factor, somehow. I mean, I think I would have reached this conclusion regardless. But there was just something about this musical embrace, this collection of pop tunes with these ringing truths that was thought-provoking and inspiring.

***

THEGIRL is over a year old now. She's on the verge of walking, she's trying to say some words, and loves playing with her brother.

I take great pride in my kids. I'm also proud of the fact that at some point I will be an example for them of how important it is to live up to your potential, even if it means living an atypical life.

Hell, especially if it means living an atypical life.