A New World Record

First, a summary of the old world record.

***

We were at Elisa's wedding in '02 if I recall. It was at the wedding reception. My tie was gone, but I was still in slacks and a white button-up shirt.

Now, I don't recall what THEBOY drank that was orange. But I do recall that I was tickling him a bit, tossing him around.

That's when the explosion happened. Orange goo, right out of his mouth and all over my shirt.

In fact, it filled my pocket.

That was the old world record.

***

I attempted in vain to clean that up in the men's room. I emerged to encounter Elisa, stunning in her wedding dress. She sized up the notebook-sized stain on my shirt and began to laugh. I asked her if they planned to have kids, and she said yes. I said, "Sometimes they spit up. Any time, any amount, any color. And sometimes they fill up your pocket."

She laughed some more.

***

Now, I do recall from last night that Kelli had mentioned how quickly the baby gulped down her milk. "She almost choked!" she said.

I do NOT recall, however, exactly how this led to the baby actually getting to drink more milk after that. I guess choking down the first sippie cup of milk is an indication of thirst.

***

I'd hardly seen the baby since I've been out of town and all, so we were catching up in the glider rocker. That is, she stood cackling on my lap while I tickled her belly and chin.

Then came the sound.

If you dropped a gallon of Jello from atop the Belo building (which is 16 stories tall) and listened to the sound as it hit the sidewalk, you have some idea of what I heard in that instant as THEGIRL spit up all that milk...

DIRECTLY

INTO

MY

EAR.

***

I froze, of course, holding the baby there and asking Kelli for help. I was already muttering, "Worst one ever, worst one ever."

***

Kelli came over and said, "Oh, she got it in your ear."

I told her I was aware of that.

***

Now, volume-wise, it was pretty evenly matched with THEBOY'S tremendous outpouring from the wedding.

But two sippie cups' worth of milk deposited in my ear made for a far worse experience because:

(1) Well, it was in my ear

(2) It smelled awful. It smelled like puke.

***

Kelli fetched THEGIRL, and I walked to the shower, disgusted. I stopped in the hall and wondered for a second if I might hurl as well. But that passed.

***

Let me emphasize again just how revolting the smell was. I was in the shower, running that hot water in my ear for about a minute, alternately saying, "Why won't the smell come off?" and "Worst one ever" over and over.

***

In a few minutes I was ready to laugh over it. I'm thrilled that it wasn't caught on video at least.

***

I can still hear it.