Welcome to Butt Talk

It’s been a fine weekend here thus far. Yesterday Kelli let me sleep in a bit, which was just great. I woke up feeling refreshed, and genuinely human for the first time in a while. And seeing the chiropractor helped a lot too.

Bought the kids some shoes yesterday afternoon, and last night I did something I hardly ever do: I rented a movie.

I was in the mood for something scary, but not a slasher flick. Never been into that stuff. So on the recommendation of the clerk I picked up White Noise, starring Michael Keaton. It was pretty effective at being scary here and there. The ending seemed a bit pedestrian, but you know, I was entertained for 90 minutes. I’d give it a B.

***

I’m listening to Kelli’s iShuffle. Oh my GOSH is this thing cool. I loaded it up with about three dozen songs for a trial run. This flippin’ thing probably weighs about as much as a tube of lipstick. Holds a gig, and it sounds great. I’ve gotta get one of these for myself. I’m about ready to start working out again, and having one of these guys loaded with some good tunes while doing cardio stuff would be great.

***

Had a good time catching up with Henley Friday night, watching the Orioles whomp the Rangers 10-5. Such GREAT seats… just perfectly situated. Front row, second deck, by the foul pole. The view was great in all directions.

***

We actually went to the ballpark yesterday too, but not to watch the game. I screwed up and bought tickets for that date before realizing game time was 3:05pm. I’d be cooked better than rotisserie chicken if I’d sat through that.

The giveaway seemed cool though: Texas Rangers Wobblers. Eh, they’re like Weebles (remember those?) with Rangers faces on them. So we zipped by the stadium and walked in just to pick up the Wobblers.

***

Driving by the water park reminded me of going to the Schlitterbahn as a teenager and riding on what I remember only as the “wedgie-matic.”

It was a tall slide, one of those deals where the attraction is all about the speed you travel down this thing.

I waited my turn, sat down, folded my arms like they showed me and ZOOM—I was off.

But about halfway down I hit a dry spot, somehow, and my swim trunks gave me a righteous wedgie that brought me to a complete halt.

I was mortified.

I had to do something though. I stood up and used both hands to pull my trunks out of my ass. That’s when one of the lifeguards (overseers, overlords, whatever) yelled, “No standing—sit down!”

My ass crack was no longer jammed with cloth, so I sat down, still on the dry spot, and had to scoot the rest of the way down, making an “eeh eeh eeh” squeaking noise the whole way.

Ah, the wedgie-matic. And you know, there’s really no sensation like having all of your body weight come to, literally, a screeching stop because your butt cheeks are suddenly gripping dry fiberglass.

Heck, I’m lucky my ass didn’t burst into flames sort of like that big crash in the opening sequence of the Six Million Dollar Man.

“She’s breaking up, she’s breaking up…”

Would they have had the technology to rebuild my ass with bionic parts?

I’d better not even consider what sort of super powers that might have given me. I’ll just have to be satisfied living as a normal mortal with a fairly normal ass.

***

Once upon a time I thought, or hoped at least, that maybe I had a good-looking butt. I’ve always been fairly slender, thought maybe, just maybe, my best feature was one I couldn’t really see.

So back in ’94 when I was a production assistant at KTBC, the weather man left the set after the news one afternoon, but he left his blue screen rig up. We P.A.s started horsing around, giving our own weathercasts.

As you probably know, you stand in front of a blue screen, and the weather maps and such the viewers see are superimposed by computerized gizmos. To see what a viewer is seeing, you’ve got to peek over at an in-studio monitor.

So I was giving my report, horsing around, going for laughs when I turned around to face the blue screen. I peered up at the monitor, and for the first time in my life I saw MY BUTT as everyone else saw it.

I was aghast to learn that it was (and most likely remains) COMPLETELY FLAT. Folks, the Llano Estacado features more exciting topography than my back porch. I thought maybe I had a little package back there, you know? Something worth a look maybe.

I was wrong.

***

I know my butt’s been looked at on at least one occasion though. Back in ’90 when I was single, my then-most-recent foray into junior college took me up the road to Alvin. I was looking for a fresh start, wondering if I’d meet interesting new (female) people.

My first day there went well I thought. Cute girls everywhere, and I went home almost certain that, for the first time in my LIFE, I’d caught a couple girls looking at my butt.

When I was changing clothes I realized that I was right, and that they had indeed been looking at my butt.

My back pocket was turned inside out, hanging there like a bunny tail. Yes, I started the day trying to be Hugh Hefner and ended the day feeling like Peter Cottontail.

(There's a bunny joke to be made that I just can't come up with at the moment...)

***

So Kelli is off with Heather right now, doing Arbonne stuff (or “Arbonnding,” as Heather’s beau Nick calls it). I’ve got Nebula pounding on the iShuffle, and the baby is asleep.

Combine all that with the fact that my semester is now over, and that I’ve met the requirements for grad school admission, and I’m feeling fine.

Now let’s never speak of my butt again.