Wednesday, February 08, 2006

Jerk!

Ah, a family tradition…

20-odd years ago, this rude Lake Jackson cop:

1. Pulled us over in Matt's car for going 22 in a 30 (!) one night. Pulled us out of the car, FRISKED us, made us stand in the glare of the headlights, and upon seeing a Playboy magazine in the back seat, made the universal "whacking off" hand gesture to his buddy with a laugh. Jerk! We were sober, guilty of NOTHING, and he nearly pulled the seat insulation out of the back of Matt's '66 T-Bird because it looked to him like freebasing paraphernalia. Yeeeeeeah. I was 10 kinds of furious over it.

2. Came into the bathroom at the movie theater to pee while I waited on my buddy Tully to finish his #2, and looked over his shoulder to ask just what I thought I was doing waiting around in there. I must admit I made a smartass remark, which I won’t repeat here. I guess I’m lucky the headcase didn’t make a bigger deal out of it.

***

So my sister got pulled over this morning, right there in the daycare parking lot, just before she managed to fetch her kid(s). She had an expired inspection sticker, and did not have a current insurance card. From Sis:

“As I gave the card to him, I said, ‘This is not current, but it is the most current one I have. I know you can't take my word for it, but I do have insurance.’ The officer had a smarty little attitude and said, ‘This is not current. No way is this current.’ Duh buddy, I just told you that!”

He gave her attitude through the whole thing.

I asked her the name, and it’s the same one from 20 years ago! McDonald! So he's a grade-A jerk, and clearly, in 20+ years of working for LJPD, hasn't earned himself a cushy desk job.

***

Gotta watch them Briscoe kids, man…

***

And now, apropos of nothing, a survey. Ganked from Nadine.

1) What stickers do you have on your car, if any?
A UT Longhorn sticker, a Texas Wesleyan “Rams” sticker, and the usual gov’t-required hoo-ha.

2) How many pairs of shoes do you own?
This is the feminine side of me: Probably about… 15

3) What do you hear right now?
”Summer Madness” by Kool & the Gang

4) If you could drink anything right this second, what would it be?
Iced coffee. Venti.

5) Does anything hurt on your body right now?
No

6) Ever take candy from someone?
When I was five. Got caught too. I’ve almost wrapped up my probation.

7) Whats your job position called?
Traffic coordinator in real life. In my fantasy life, it’s “Dr. Love.”

8) What size ring do you wear?
Uh… er.. duh… um…

9) Do you own a camera phone?
Nope. I’m waiting for them to finally decide exactly what gizmos will all go in a pocket-size gizmo. Camera, phone, iPod, tazer…

10) What’s your birthday?
August 29

11) What was your elementary school’s mascot?
Wildcats. Snarl.

12) What’s your favorite bottled water?
You know, when I worked at the mall in the 80s, the vitamin store down the way had some mineral water they put on clearance, and no one knew it but me I guess. Was fizzy, tasted like weak beer. So I’d go in there every day and fetch one from the cooler in the back of the store. Soon my urine turned green from drinking so much of it. That was my favorite, whatever that was.

13) What’s the next concert/show you’re going to and when?
Van Morrison! I’ve waited decades to see this guy, and he’s coming to this area next month! I expect it to be like the hand of God.

14) What were you doing at 11 pm last night?
Sleeping. I got tired and hit the sheets early.

15) Whats your favorite Starbucks drink?
Venti iced coffee. Jeez, magical mystery interviewer… you don’t ever read my blog, do you?

17) Did you attend your High School prom?
Yes indeed. I didn’t have enough money to pay for dinner, and my date was quite satisfied to use her multi-layered dress underpinnings as a first line of defense against my libidinous onslaught. She won the battle AND the war.

18) Did you go to someone else’s prom?
No

19) Would you give your bf/gf a second chance if they cheated on you?
(Wife in my case) I don’t know. I hope I never have to find out. I’d like to think most anything could be worked out.

20) Something red within 5 feet of you:
The fringe on the dress my daughter is wearing in this cute photo.

21) Your last bag of chips?
Barbecue baked Lays

22) The funniest thing you’ve seen this week?
Oh man, the photo Whit sent me of the woman who hiked up her skirt to ride this motorcycle… I nearly spit my coffee out my nose!

(Uh... where is 23?)

24) How much French do you know?
I watched French in Action on PBS almost every weekday for years. Here’s what I remember:

Robert is a candy-ass. I’d like to kick him in the pants.

Mireille never wore a bra.

Pierre Capretz needed a haircut.

25) Sparkly things?
What? What does this mean? When I was 10 years old and walked head-first into the same gate latch three times in a row, I saw sparkly things everywhere… are you asking about this incident?

26) Ever crash a car, been in accidents?
I slid off an icy road in my ’76 Ford Maverick 20 years ago. First folks on the scene just drove by and laughed from the comfort of their heated Suburban. Hey mister, explain what this finger means to your kids.

27) Do you look good in yellow?
Nah. I like maroon and black mostly.

29) Ever sang in front of a crowd?
I doubt it.

30) Do you dance?
Only with my kids.

31) Is your hair its natural color?
Is grey natural?

32) Do you exercise as much as you should?
Oddly, yes.

33) Favorite kind of pizza?
Thin-crust, and don’t slouch on the tomato sauce and mushrooms.

34) Ever had Dippin Dots?
I don’t think so. Unless this is another reference to that time I smashed my head on that gate latch…

35) Ever make fun of a homeless person?
No no. I went off on one for asking me if I could spare a taco once though. “I bought three tacos because I wanted three tacos, not because I wanted to eat two and give one away.” Not one of my shining moments. It was long ago.

36) How old were you when you got a cell phone?
Er… 34?

37) How old were you when you got your first car?
About 16. We couldn’t get it running, and sold it.

38) How many tickets do you have?
One

39) How long have you been driving?
20 years.

40) How many parking tickets?
None

41) Do you own your own car?
Well, the bank technically owns it. I’m getting back at them by vandalizing it daily.

(Where is 42?)

43) At what age do you want to get married?
Whoooooooa. Time warp survey. Actually, I wouldn’t change a thing.

44) Have you ever been married?
Yes

45) Have you ever received a restraining order?
Wow. No. Whoever wrote this thing has some issues. Is that you, Officer McDonald?

46) At what age do you want to have kids?
I started at 32, ended at 35. Snip snip.

47) How many kids?
2

48) When is the last time someone deleted you from their Myspace friends list?
What? Uh… what?

(Dare I ask about 49?)

50) Ever been kicked out of your home?
Nope, but there have surely been times when my wife was glad I gave her some alone time.

51) Favorite character on Friends?
Which one would look best on camera, pulling his/her ripcord and realizing the chute wasn’t opening? That’s my favorite.

52) Favorite store?
Oh. Uh… who am I kidding? I’m gonna plead Starbucks, even if it’s more like a restaurant.

2 comments:

BB said...

Posting on behalf of Michael:

> 1) What stickers do you have on your car, if any?
Registration and inspection stickers.
>
> 2) How many pairs of shoes do you own?
4.
>
> 3) What do you hear right now?
"Swiftly But Gently" by the Young Fresh Fellows.
>
> 4) If you could drink anything right this second,
> what would it be?
Water. In fact, since I'm sitting mere feet away from
my kitchen...
>
> 5) Does anything hurt on your body right now?
My throat does a bit, from all the drainage. (Thanks,
cedar pollen!)
>
> 6) Ever take candy from someone?
As in, taken candy from a stranger, or stolen candy?
If the former, no, and if the latter, uh, no.
>
> 7) Whats your job position called?
National Productions Coordinator.
>
> 8) What size ring do you wear?
Not a clue. I don't wear rings in any case.
>
> 9) Do you own a camera phone?
Nope.
>
> 10) What’s your birthday?
July 24.
>
> 11) What was your elementary school’s mascot?
I can't remember for the life of me. Beutel
Elementary...Chiggers?
>
> 12) What’s your favorite bottled water?
***Whatever's cheap and cold.>
>
> 13) What’s the next concert/show you’re going to and
> when?
Hamell on Trial on Valentine's Day.
>
> 14) What were you doing at 11 pm last night?
Sitting in the Continental Club watching Mike
Rosenthal play.
>
> 15) Whats your favorite Starbucks drink?
I hit Starbucks maybe once every six months. The only
thing there I can drink (i.e. that has no coffee or
caffeine in it) is some kind of vanilla milkshake
thingy.
>
> 17) Did you attend your High School prom?
Thrice.
>
> 18) Did you go to someone else’s prom?
Nope.
>
> 19) Would you give your bf/gf a second chance if
> they cheated on you?
Once upon a time, I would've said, "No. If she does it
once she'll do it again." Now that I'm older and
allegedly wiser, I'd have to say, "Depends on the
circumstances of the infidelity." Nothing's ever
simple.
>
> 20) Something red within 5 feet of you:
My scrapbook from when I was about 5. It's full of
stickers and magazine photos of trucks and cars. Plus
a neat sticker of King Kong on the cover.
>
> 21) Your last bag of chips?
The only time I eat chips is in Mexican restaurants.
>
> 22) The funniest thing you’ve seen this week?
Various quotes from Overheard in New York. Constant
comedy gold. Highly paid sitcom writers couldn't come
up with stuff that funny.
>
> (Uh... where is 23?)

***On a three-day bender.
>
> 24) How much French do you know?
Maybe 5 words. And I took four semesters of it in
college.
>
> 25) Sparkly things?
Good for attracting crows.
>
> 26) Ever crash a car, been in accidents?
Crashed a car, no. Been in accidents, oh yes. Far too
many. (Of course, one is too many.)
>
> 27) Do you look good in yellow?
Does anybody?
>
> 29) Ever sang in front of a crowd?
Yes, at a couple of hoot nights and once in the
Waterloo Ice House. The former was mainly covers (Dave
Alvin's "Haley's Comet" is the only one I can remember
for sure) and the latter was actually a song I wrote
myself.
>
> 30) Do you dance?
Not where anybody can see. Why does this question
appear on every survey?
>
> 31) Is your hair its natural color?
Yep.
>
> 32) Do you exercise as much as you should?
Alas, no. Yoga once a week is as far as I go. Unless
you count the long walk to and from the bus to my
office every day (which goes up and down steps, so I
think it does).
>
> 33) Favorite kind of pizza?
Mangia stuffed on whole wheat crust with pepperoni,
mushrooms and green peppers.
>
> 34) Ever had Dippin Dots?
Yes. She was amazing. She did this thing with her
elbow and...oh, what're YOU talking about?
>
> 35) Ever make fun of a homeless person?
I make fun of the street kids with piercings that cost
more than I make in a week all the time. Doesn't stop
me from giving them money, though.
>
> 36) How old were you when you got a cell phone?
I still don't have one.
>
> 37) How old were you when you got your first car?
16, I think. It was a 1969 Volkswagen Beetle. I kept
it until I couldn't keep up with the monthly repair
bills anymore.
>
> 38) How many tickets do you have?
Traffic tickets? Drink tickets? Tickets to the Grand
Ball?
>
> 39) How long have you been driving?
Almost 23 years.
>
> 40) How many parking tickets?
One, given by an over-eager UT parking cop. Never mind
that I could legitimately park in that space.
>
> 41) Do you own your own car?
I own about 1/10th of it at present. Universal Federal
Credit Union owns the other 9/10ths.
>
> (Where is 42?)

***In the same dive bar as 23.
>
> 43) At what age do you want to get married?
I sincerely doubt I'll ever get married again.
>
> 44) Have you ever been married?
Yes.
>
> 45) Have you ever received a restraining order?
No.
>
> 46) At what age do you want to have kids?
N/A.
>
> 47) How many kids?
None. Though I dote on my niece and nephew.
>
> 48) When is the last time someone deleted you from
> their Myspace friends list?
About the same time as someone added me...that is to
say, never, since I don't do the Myspace thing.
>
> (Dare I ask about 49?)

***It's buying the drinks for 42 and 23.
>
> 50) Ever been kicked out of your home?
My ex-wife and I kicked each other out. Gently.
>
> 51) Favorite character on Friends?
The one that slaughtered the six main characters and
laughed with maniacal glee as their blood ran down his
body. Oh wait, that was in the spec script I never
turned in.
>
> 52) Favorite store?
Sigh. It's a tie between Waterloo Records and Cheapo
Disks, I suppose. Those are the ones I spend the most
time and money in. Even just browsing and not buying
anything has a calming effect on me after a crap day.
Which is probably a sign I need some serious therapy

BB said...

Posted on behalf of Whit:

1) What stickers do you have on your car, if any?
Just the inspection and registration.

2) How many pairs of shoes do you own?
1. Shoes for just getting around...and they light up just like my son's.
2. Wrestling shoes. For work.
3. 2 pairs of cross training shoes.
4. Cleats. Just in case.
5. My warm and fuzzy house slippers. I'm in 'em right now.

3) What do you hear right now?
The TV in the other room...it's the fitness channel.

4) If you could drink anything right this second, what would it be?
Orange Juice. I'll be right back....that's better!

5) Does anything hurt on your body right now?
Amazingly, no. Although my shins are a wee bit sore from my sprints yesterday.

6) Ever take candy from someone?
I held onto some twinkies when I was a kid until after checkout. When my mom found out, she drove me back and made me pay for them. I never forgot that, and have never had even the urge to shoplift.

7) Whats your job position called?
Sifu. And I'm loving every minute of it.

8) What size ring do you wear?
Not a clue.

9) Do you own a camera phone?
Yes, though I only use it in case of emergency nudity.

10) What’s your birthday?
October 31. Boo!

11) What was your elementary school’s mascot?
Wildcats.

12) What’s your favorite bottled water?
There used to be a fizzy water and fruit juice drink called Sundance. I loved those.

13) What’s the next concert/show you’re going to and when?
We saw the live show of Dora the Explorer last night. Beyond that, I have no idea.

14) What were you doing at 11 pm last night?
Getting lucky.

15) Whats your favorite Starbucks drink?
No offense, but I intensely dislike coffee.

17) Did you attend your High School prom?
Yup.

18) Did you go to someone else’s prom?
Yup. My friend's little sister was still in high school after I was already married. All of us were good friends, and she asked if I'd take her. After conferring with my then-wife, I did, and enjoyed the evening. It was more than a little odd, but fun in a platonic, friendly way. And that's when I learned that your wife can say, 'Sure, it's totally fine with me,' with all sincerity, and not mean a word of it.

19) Would you give your bf/gf a second chance if they cheated on you?
After I'd disposed of the body of the fellow, then I'm sure my wife and I would discuss the matter thoroughly. Honestly, though, if we were having enough trouble in our relationship that something like that might happen, we'd be off to the therapist immediately.

20) Something red within 5 feet of you:
Dove chocolates. They're red for Valentine's. And how did those get in here? Dang!

21) Your last bag of chips?
Cheetos 'Natural' Cheese Puffs. They're not as nuclear orange as the originals, and they're not too bad.

22) The funniest thing you’ve seen this week?
Watched the show Scrubs for the first time last night. My wife and I challenged each other not to laugh unless absolutely necessary. I rolled off the couch, laughing my head off, in less than five minutes.

(Uh... where is 23?)

24) How much French do you know?
Maybe five words or phrases. Honestly, it's not a language I care to learn.

25) Sparkly things?
No, I don't crave bling. But thanks for asking.

26) Ever crash a car, been in accidents?
One accident. I rear-ended an older couple on the highway, and have been an extremely careful driver ever since. Thank goodness no-one was seriously hurt.

27) Do you look good in yellow?
My wrestling shoes are an extremely bright yellow with black trim, and I totally dig them, no matter what you say.

29) Ever sang in front of a crowd?
I've done a little karaoke and I do sing happy birthday to my students if I find out it's they're special day.

30) Do you dance?
Not well.

31) Is your hair its natural color?
Yup.

32) Do you exercise as much as you should?
Not really, no. I should honestly be putting in a couple hours a day, but I'm slacking a bit lately.

33) Favorite kind of pizza?
Red Baron's with extra mozzarella on top.

34) Ever had Dippin Dots?
I think so. No big deal.

35) Ever make fun of a homeless person?
No.

36) How old were you when you got a cell phone?
Somewhere in my 20's, I think.

37) How old were you when you got your first car?
16 or so. An AMC Spirit. I could run faster than that thing.

38) How many tickets do you have?
Total? Let's see....two or three total, including the above-referenced incident, and that totally bogus ticket that the fat cop gave me for 'not stopping at the stop sign' that's right in front of my house.

39) How long have you been driving?
20 years.

40) How many parking tickets?
None

41) Do you own your own car?
Yep.

(Where is 42?)

43) At what age do you want to get married?
Married twice already, and quite happy with my current situation. I got married first at about 23 and then again at 29

44) Have you ever been married?
Yes

45) Have you ever received a restraining order?
Nope. Benefits of being a martial arts instructor.

46) At what age do you want to have kids?
We had Connor when I was 32.

47) How many kids?
1

48) When is the last time someone deleted you from their Myspace friends list?
Dunno.

(Dare I ask about 49?)

50) Ever been kicked out of your home?
Nope.

51) Favorite character on Friends?
I like Joey. He's so dumb that he amuses me. I'd like to strangle Ross. I know 36 ways to strangle someone, and I'd like to try them all.

52) Favorite store?
Half.com.